Cats vs Dogs

You cannot talk of having children without someone recommending a pet as a first step, apparently as training.  Several flaws are immediately apparent with this logic, not least of which is you cannot leave your children at home alone all day, nor is it kosher to simply pour cheerios into a bowl on the floor while you fold laundry.  Should we consent to this "first step," I find myself leaning towards something more exotic:  flying squirrel, galopagos tortoise, robot monkey.  All roundly dismissed by my wife as non-options.  Fair enough.  Then dog or cat it must be.  Which got me thinking...

Pluses for cats are a short list and are as follows:  

Eat less, shit in a box, and, if up to it, chase mice.

The end.

This may seem dismissive, but when compared to dogs, the drawbacks become obvious and quite lengthy.

First, there is the issue of loyalty.  If something is to live in my home, it should be part of the family, part of the team.  Should you cat lovers already be inhaling quickly with intent to argue,  I would like to offer a quick test:  tomorrow, leave your cat's food bowl empty and open a window with access to a fire escape or the side yard.  No?  Enough said.  Let me also point out that in spite of having been originally domesticated by the egyptians over 5000 years ago, pet cats remain in the 10-20 lb range, occasionally reaching 30 lbs when food isn't stored high enough.  Do not delude yourself that this is an accident.  Who wouldn't want a giant cat for a pet?  Rest assured, this has been tried and has obviously ended tragically every time, resulting in a size we can handle.  Or more accurately that we can trust.  The same energy has surely been spent breeding cats as has been for dogs.  And yet it is not uncommon to see a 200 lb St. Bernard curled up in living room filled with children, while the tiniest of cats are still being de-clawed.  

Secondly, protection.  How many "Beware of Cat" signs can you recall seeing?  Start with guests.  When entering a home with cats, the owner generally issues two warnings.  If they are house cats, the warning is to not let them out.  This is curious, as the cat is fed, watered, loved, and has its shit removed by that owner. Why then worry about escape?*  The second warning is usually about which cat is "unfriendly."  This usually means the cat is not interested in strangers, expressing its disdain with a distinct lack of presence.  Never a wariness of what a stranger might do to its owner, mind you.  Just a penchant for hiding.  Or alternatively, a willingness to be petted until an arbitrary "over-petting" line has been unknowingly crossed, at which point the "unfriendly" animal will close like a bear trap on the offender's hand, then proceed to scratch and bite until thrown across the room.  

Now imagine an actual intruder.  Any dog, even those subject to periodic beatings and an irregular feeding schedule, will bark unto madness at even a hint of a burglar.  Your average cat on the other hand will blithely watch someone rifle through your belongings, with the only thought in its head, presumably, "I wonder what kind of food this guy would buy?"  Not a meow or scratch in protest.  And were you to be harmed by that same intruder, I will brook no argument as to which of the two animals would prove the greatest benefit.  "Hey,  I think that mewling cat wants us to follow it!  Something must be wrong!  Let's hurry!"  

Aside from the above, the boxed poop argument does hold a great deal of sway with me.  I have, at least once, walked someone else's dog.  And because I respect the social covenant, I took a bag with me.  I realized about myself that day that I cannot abide any two of my senses experiencing animal shit without an uncontrollable urge to vomit.  Grabbing while seeing, smelling whilst grabbing, etc = [gagging].

As an addendum, let me say that I am more in favor of skipping the pet part and heading straight into parenthood.  At least with children, the presumption is that in return for your part in getting them somehow to adulthood, you might one day expect that they will arrange payment for the giant West Indian woman that lifts you out of the tub, or at least a decent cremation and a column in the local paper. With dogs and cats, not only are you on the hook for food and ridiculous halloween costumes, but you've also got to sort out the ultimate trip to the vet.  Like cooking for someone who can't stay to do dishes.  

*side note on escaped or runaway pets.  I have found what i thought were two such animals in my life, one dog and one cat.  On principle, I remained silent.  Whatever circumstances existed at their respective homes, they had clearly made a choice, which i chose to respect.  Having no idea what kind of home life they had, and failing a Pet Welfare Department to adjudicate the matter, i nodded in their direction respectfully and continued minding my own business.