Advice for Newly Married Men - Part 2

NEVER, EVER tidy up after your wife.  Clean around her things.  Scrub the floors, the windows, the bathroom.  Pick up your belongings.  But don't ever touch anything belonging to your wife.  There is no greater feeling than when something of hers goes missing and your help is appreciated instead of required.  I once transferred a pile of shoes and clothing from the living room to her side of the bed.  Oy.  I couldn't resist.  they were everywhere, since apparently she molts like a reptile when she gets home from work, using the living room furniture as a python would an abrasive rock or tree stump.  the image was akin to the old tin-types of civil war battlefields.  flats, boots, purses, sweaters, and kitten-heel Mary Jane 1-inch pumps strewn like casualties in some Accessories Antietum.  Problem is, once something from that pile went missing, even a month later, i was liable just for having laid hands on it.  Forced to search it out, for some imagined culpability, although, admittedly, I didn't put much into it.  My efforts could best be described as when everyone in a town is forced through communal obligation to search for some missing teenager that no one really liked anyway.  Imagine someone wantonly wandering through a field checking their messages with one hand while aimlessly poking a stick into stalks of dried sorghum.  Nevertheless, due to a mis-guided attempt to make our home more presentable, I found myself searching the countryside.  Touch nothing.